From the mind of Todd: culinary delights from seasons 1 - 4 of BoJack Horseman

            BoJack Horseman is one of my favorite shows currently on the air, and it potentially tops the list. It features some of the funniest throwaway jokes and sight gags since the golden age of The Simpsons. The wordplay is nothing short of astounding. The jokes in just the names of people, places, and things are too numerous to catch without multiple viewings (and I'm sure I haven't caught them all). And somehow, while managing to consistently be hilarious, it is also simultaneously one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I cannot think of a more raw, intense, honest portrayal of someone who is deeply, painfully depressed. Don Draper and Tony Soprano were great, but we never got into their heads in quite the way we do with BoJack. It hurts to watch sometimes, because it is just so shockingly true to life. Except that it's about a talking Hollywoo(d) horse person.

            All of the main characters are complex and interesting in their own right. In their totally bizarre world, they all seem real. The humor and pathos complement each other perfectly. The fourth season followed couch-surfer extraordinaire Todd Chavez's exploration of his newly realized asexuality. It is handled with compassion and nuance, and, again, it feels real. It's the first time to my knowledge that there has been an expressly asexual character in a television show. However, I could be wrong, and people with much more knowledge on the subject have discussed this and will discuss it better than I ever could. What I do feel comfortable getting into is one of the other recurring motifs of Todd's incredible life: FOOD.

            I had not thought about it much until the fourth season included some truly spectacular food items, but Todd spends a sizable portion of his screentime either eating food or talking about food. A lot of it is pretty mundane; he eats a lot of cereal; he likes finger food, burgers, and pizza; he enjoys fruit-filled colorful mixed drinks in hurricane glasses. Todd has also shown some really inspired food ideas that are worth mentioning specifically. They don't necessarily further the plot, but they certainly give the viewer a glimpse inside the mind of Todd. He might be some kind of junk food genius. With dishes reconstructed and photographed by the inimitable Sarah B. Carey, I taste tested some of the most exciting food experiments that Todd has come up with during the first four seasons of the show, and I rated them out of a possible five stars. Whenever meat was involved, we used a veggie substitute. You do what you have to do.

Cotton candy dipped in Froot Loops style cereal - Season 1, Episode 4

Pre-credits scene. This is Todd's BREAKFAST. He is an absolute madman. He eats a lot of cereal. He's eating cereal immediately when his character is introduced. He's eating cereal in the show's opening credits. As for this "meal", it was honestly not nearly as awful as I expected it to be. I was prepared for a melted disgusting rainbow puddle, but Chef Sarah managed to make this sugar madness hold together in a manageable way. The taste was, unsurprisingly, basically just sugar. It was almost unbearably sweet. I did not pick up much flavor from the cereal. That being said, the texture was surprisingly good. The fluffy airiness of the cotton candy was really pleasant with the crunch of the cereal. The cotton candy actually held onto the loops with just a tiny amount of the milk, but for the sake of accuracy, I tried some dipped in the milk as well. It was decidedly less good. Rather than just melting the cotton candy, it turned it into a weird jelly. The cereal became squishy very quickly, and the texture of the sugar slop jelly was not good at all. I can really only recommend the relatively dry version of this dish, if one is so inclined to try it. If sickening amounts of sugar are your thing, then dive in!

2/5 stars

"FaWaffle" - Season 1, Episode 12

Todd's concept art for this dish closes out his arc for the first season. It's a great note to go out on. After the idea for the "Smoodie" (a mood you can drink) falls through, Todd comes up with this. FaWaffles should start popping up more in restaurants and food trucks. It's just a falafel sandwich that substitutes a waffle for pita as the vessel for the fillings. It is so simple and stupid and perfect. Sarah put homemade falafel patties, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and a thick garlicky tahini sauce on a massive waffle. We actually chose our wafflemaker based on this specific dish. It makes what can either be one huge waffle, or four smaller waffles. The sandwich could easily have been split and shared. It was incredibly filling. But alas, for science, I ate the whole damn thing. I regret nothing. The bit of sweetness in the waffle really complimented the savory fillings. The giant pockets in the waffle held the sauce really well, and they actually helped prevent losing said sauce to dripping. If I see this on a menu somewhere, I am definitely ordering it.

5/5 stars

"Mice Krispies" with "Alpine Sweat" - Season 2, Episode 2

This is clearly supposed to be Rice Krispies with Mountain Dew. I hope everyone reached the same conclusion. That's the dish recreated here, anyway! We actually used generic brand versions of each ingredient. This, again, was not nearly as awful as I assumed it would be. The liquid mixing with the cereal made a much louder sound than I expected, and this is with the knowledge that they are both relatively noisy types of food and liquid. It was pretty unsettling to look at as it sat there. The entire surface bubbled and quivered as if it was alive, struggling to breathe. I couldn't really see the liquid under the cereal, so it was just a sickly, shining puffed rice mass undulating in the bowl. I did not really want to eat this in the first place, but I really did not want to while looking at it. Much to my surprise, the taste was not that bad initially. It was very effervescent, and the less saturated cereal only had a tiny hint of the soda flavor. Once I got down to the soda pool, things changed. It was a terrible soup of mushy cereal in neon green sugar piss. Each spoonful was more upsetting than the last. It was really awful, and I poured most of the poison down the drain. I also ate this immediately after eating the cotton candy cereal concoction, so I ingested more sugar in the span of about half an hour than I had in the entire week prior, and I felt really disgusting afterward.

1/5 stars

Nachos in a baseball glove - Season 2, Episode 6

I was pretty concerned about the logistics of this one. We fudged it a bit and lined the glove with wax paper. SORRY. I'm trying to eat a disgusting mess, not make a disgusting mess. Todd pitches (no pun intended) an idea for a "bagel catcher," which actually turns out to just be a baseball glove. We tested that as well, and a baseball glove can indeed be used to a catch a bagel. Later in the same episode, Todd is seen just hanging out eating nachos out of the glove for some reason. This actually worked pretty spectacularly. Food wise, it was super simple. The cheese sauce Sarah made had the perfect consistency I expect from ballpark nachos, and it was actually delicious. It seems like something you might actually get served at a baseball game: Free Glove Day (with purchase of nachos). I really enjoyed that I was able to walk around and eat the nachos without feeling like I was holding a plate of nachos. I had BECOME the plate. What this dish lacks in creativity, ingredients-wise, it definitely makes up for in presentation and taste. Play ball!

3.5/5 stars

Spaghetti and meatballs in a baseball glove - Season 2, Episode 6

This was from the same episode as above. Todd was really trying to make the most of having that baseball glove, I guess. Again, we lined the glove with wax paper, because we are cowards. I was pretty concerned with how this would go down, mostly because Todd eats this dish with chopsticks. Normally, I'm fine with chopsticks. I've never had any trouble eating with chopsticks, but for some reason I was having some bizarre cognitive dissonance associated with the thought of eating spaghetti and meatballs with them. I was really worried I would screw up, and in trying not to make a mess, overcorrect and end up throwing a baseball glove full of spaghetti across the room. Fortunately, this did not happen. It was fine. Everything was fine. The spaghetti was fine. The beanballs Sarah made to replace the meatballs were great, as was the sauce. The dissonance carried over into my eating experience though. It just seemed wrong to eat it like that. The chopsticks and the glove really threw me off on this one. I learned I'm kind of a spaghetti snob. But it worked fine. I guess it was all fine.

3/5 stars

Hotdogs wrapped in a pizza - Season 3, Episode 6

This is one of those Todd food moments that just happens incidentally to the rest of the action at the time, but it is highly indicative of the subtle genius of who he is. Conceptually, this works great. Sarah made a little personal pizza that was cooked through exactly enough that it wasn't doughy and it was still foldable. This is really critical to the success of this dish. Three jumbo veggie dogs fit perfectly into the pizza taco. The thing was so packed that if the crust had been any harder, it would have just squeezed all of the filling out and been a terrible sad mess. When Todd attempts to eat his hotdog-pizza-taco, the dogs all slide out the back. It's a very disappointing moment. Also, this is one of the most filling things I've ever eaten. It was a very real challenge to finish this very small pizza taco. I commend Todd's bravery for attempting this dish with such large hotdogs and pizza. Flavor-wise, however, this did not quite do it for me. I like hotdogs, but I love pizza. This could possibly be a game-changer with Italian sausage or something. Hotdogs just don't seem right in this arrangement. Sarah disagrees and thinks this is absolutely perfect. What do I know?

3.5/5 stars

Neapolitan ice cream on a cheeseburger - Season 4, Episode 1

This was the moment when I really started to think about what Todd had been doing with food all this time. Watching him casually plop ice cream on top of a burger had my mind reeling. Was this something he had done before? Was it just instinct? Why didn't anyone ever question him when he did these things? I do not have any answers to these questions, but I am shocked and delighted to say that this thing was fucking awesome. It might be the pinnacle of the sweet/savory and hot/cold combination. Sarah made a black bean burger topped with cheddar cheese, red onion, tomato, and lettuce. Todd used a sesame seed bun, but we only had pretzel buns available. It almost immediately started to become a mess, which I typically hate, but it was so good I didn't even care. The layering of veggies on the burger actually helped to keep the ice cream from melting as fast as it otherwise would have.  Each of the three ice cream flavors was distinct, and the strawberry was especially bonkers in combination with everything else. There were no other condiments on the one I had, so I cannot speak to how they would change the flavor profile. I don't think they're necessary. I cannot recommend this burger enough. This is life-affirming junk food of the highest caliber.

5/5 stars

Churro-flavored waffles - Season 4, Episode 1

Todd is very busy in the opening episode of season 4. He spends a fair amount of time eating kettle corn while stuck on an out-of-control drone. This is after his girlfriend breaks up with him. It makes sense that he needs some sleep after all that. However, there can be no rest for the creative genius. He lurches out of a dream and shouts "churro-flavored waffles!" What was happening in that dream? Why was it frightening? Does his inspiration come with the cost of troubled sleep? We may never know. What I do know, however, is that these waffles were pretty dang good! Sarah made her regular waffles with some cinnamon mixed into the batter, then rolled the waffles in more cinnamon and sugar. They were topped with maple syrup, and the whole thing was so simple, I don't know why I haven't been having it my whole life. Other than the amount of sugar involved. I would eat these every morning until the diabetes killed me.

4.5/5 stars

S'mores in a baguette - Season 4, Episode 3

This, for some reason, is the food item that Todd actually singles out as his million-dollar idea. Sarah and I disagreed on how the construction should go. I immediately assumed it meant using a baguette instead of graham crackers to contain the marshmallows and chocolate, while Sarah imagined that the graham crackers would be inside the baguette. I think either interpretation is valid, given that it's never actually seen in the show. Who am I to decide? I'll leave that to more learned minds. Sarah made both anyway, and I have to say it doesn't seem to matter either way, because neither was particularly exciting. Without the graham crackers, the bread simply overwhelmed the flavor. With the graham crackers added, not only did the bread overwhelm the flavor, but also graham cracker crumbs exploded everywhere. They became a fine dust that I had the displeasure of inhaling while choking down singed vegan marshmallows. At best it was bland, at worst it tried to kill me, and I frankly wish I'd just eaten the baguette on its own. Maybe we were both wrong?

2/5 stars

So there you have it, a sampling of culinary delights, courtesy of Todd: the master of munchies, the snack savant. This list is by no means exhaustive. Todd eats entire plates of spaghetti in a single bite, covers french fries in absurd amounts of ketchup, and he seems to love all varieties of Woofles brand chips. He takes bubble baths in champagne, stores sandwich halves under his hat, and has many other weird and wonderful food-related moments. Todd is a true maverick and an inspiration, and I can't wait to see what else he comes up with.

30 Words on 30 Things I Loved in Music in 2016

It goes without saying that this list is neither comprehensive nor hierarchized whatsoever. If I could just type everything at once, I would. Or write 300 words about 300 things.

Swapping Fall Playlists with the Lee Bros.

Though less romantic than cassette mixes, the Spotify Playlist trade still functions as a dynamic relational transaction. These seasonal playlists stirred us to dance, brood, mosh, remember, expand, explore.

Andrew's was the best but I'm sharing mine
and my high school faux hawk.

The Cry – “Alone” (1990)

Played over Dane Brady’s solo stint in Polar Skate Co.’s most recent skate video, this hidden Brit-pop gem has become my go-to soundtrack for effusive bedroom dancing and lip-syncing.

Michael Plattner Getting into Metal

Debates over what DFHVN full-length is better? Attending SunnO))) shows? Buying a Numenorean LP and trying to see them live? Asking about Converge? My heart is fit to burst!

Aborted – Retrogore and Gatecreeper – Sonoran Deprivation

Rarely do I ever come across death metal albums I obsess over other than Cattle Decapitation records, but this year gave me two. My cup runneth over… with riffage!

Don’t Flop: ATL at Aisle 5

I attended my first battle rap event, and, aside from Verb no-showing, couldn’t’ve been more fun. Carter/Shuffle, Qleen/Ty Law, Chef Trez showin’ out, meetin’ T-Top… gotta attend more events.

This Fucking Weekend Nachos Song

This fucking track is an elephant crushing a human skull except elephants are extinct and so are we and it was this track that killed us off. Jock powerviolence.

Hollow Sunshine’s Discography

Spotify wanted me to listen to Bible Sea, and then I just devoured their whole discography and regurgitated it back up and swam around in its lazy, lapping bioluminescence.

The 1:32 Mark of 40 Watt Sun’s “Stages”

92 seconds into a 16-minute song is literally all you need to know, to really know, that 40 Watt Sun’s Wider than the Sky is one of 2016’s best.

Yeah, it's not the right song. Go find it yourself.

Nothing – Tired of Tomorrow

When you sing along to this album, you’re moving in slow motion but normal time is still happening so you’re queerly de-temporalized and what a fucking relief that is.

Seeing Fear of Men in both Atlanta and Athens

I’m still totally bowled over by how good Fall Forever and Loom sound live. Go see these Britons in a small room and let Jess’s hand gestures hypnotize you.

Thou’s Continued Assault on Nirvana Covers

Thou served us “Floyd the Barber” in 2016 as an another riffed-out reminder that no one else need bother.  Now if they’d just compile ‘em together on one album…

PWR BTTM in Purgatory the Week of Pulse

Playing with Pity Sex, PWR BTTM brought out ATL’s young queers in glittered force just days after one of the most devastating and wretched days we have ever known.

Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard

Y Proffwyd Dwyll is a delightful romp through beefy riffs and surprisingly serene vocals, but the band’s name is what matters here. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT.

“Really Doe” through “Dance in the Water” from Atrocity Exhibition

Yeah, Danny Brown’s whole album is dope, but this chunk is all you need. Earl barkin’ on cats, cocaine-heart beats triggering anxiety attacks, Brown’s manic approach to addiction… whew.

Ambient Music just, like, in general.

At this point, I’m fairly sure I’m equal parts hot air, Bob’s Burgers quotes, and endlessly looping ambient aural texture. I am screaming ephemera. I am a jovial void.

My Students Never Knowing Vince Staples (applies to 2015 as well)

Whenever I bring up Vince Staples, my students just stare at me. Insane. Prima Donna is compact, precise, and demonstrates Staples’ ability to out-rap everyone in his draft class.

Arbor Labor Union’s Insistence on Being Themselves

You can take those Lungfish comparisons and shove it. The universe’s best band decided they’re just gonna be Creedence and now are ascending to the heights of Mt Garcia.

These Solanas lyrics:

“I’ve got faith that I can cope. I hope my life’s more than hope. I’ve got faith that I can cope. I hope my life means more than hope.”

Take a listen

Posh Isolation

In 2016, PI delivered Vanessa Amara’s forlornly beautiful piano compositions, Puce Mary’s ugly saturations, Croation Amor’s glitchy corpse moves, Mats Erlandsson’s electro-acoustic blissfucking, and Body Sculptures’ technobsessive embodiment rituals.

Skeleton Tree

Often, when I start this album, I turn it off immediately. How are you to deal with the weight of it? How do you not just break down and weep?

G.L.O.S.S. Doing What They Think is Right

Do I wish Girls Living Outside Society’s Shit hadn’t broken up and kept making music? Duh. But they said fuck $50K, fuck the burden of celebrity, and that’s that.

Wrecking Ball 2016

Two days with two beloveds in a lot of sun and covered in a lot of sweat. Turnstile, Ceremony, Cold Cave, American Nightmare, TUI Till I Die, Foxing. Ughhhhhh.

Speaking of Beloveds…

Music wouldn’t be so cool if I didn’t have Steven to talk to. Our post-lingual communiques are as exciting and affirming as the new album we’re flailing textually about.

Thank you.

Oranssi Pazuzu – Varahtelija

This shit came out in February and I still have no fucking clue what’s actually happening on this album. Otherwordly witchcraft that has no right to exist as such.

Ya know what? Let’s give it up for the other black metal bands of 2016

VRTRA, Gevurah, Mist of Misery, Horseback (not BM anymore really), Numenorean, Sylvaine, Vukari, Eight Bells, Dark Funeral, Behexen, Forteresse, motherfucking Wode. And those are just the ones I remember!

Karnell Loving Creative Adult

Nelly Nell keeps serving as my reminder of how good this band is and how I threw an extra dope build-your-own-pizza party and how friendship is radical. 3/11 Splitz.

Cult of Luna’s Triumph

It’s 2016, and Cult of Luna has become the godhead of the Cult of Neurisis triumvirate. Maybe it was always this way. Maybe we’re finally we’re we’ve always already been.

Letting Go

I sold nearly 400 pieces of vinyl and trashed dozens of cassettes and countless CDs. I hope more evaporate soon. Where else am I going to put 2017’s albums?

Slomatics’ Florche Impression

“Super Nothing,” the track in question, sounds like a Torche title packed with all the sexy beef of a Floor song. The riff/vocal combo at 2:17 seals the deal.

This Cheesy-Ass Ending I’m Really About to Pull

People have actually taken time to read, Facebook like, and even reach out to say they really do like my blog posts. Y’all! That’s so sweet! I’m fairly overcome.

25er Words on Even 25er More Albums

Goatcraft – Yersinia Pestis

Imagine if Chopin’s nocturnes were as dark and foreboding as the word “nocturnes” sounds. Or imagine if chamber music actually came from some haunted-ass chambers.

This is what Chopin actually looked like

Severed + Said – Pyrrhic Fortunes

This album should be the soundtrack to the second season of Stranger Things. Makes you wanna ride bikes with your friends straight into a hellmouth.

Caress me with your darkness, baby.

Young Thug – Slime Season 3

One of the most endearing things about Thugger Thugger is that he doesn’t care about rhyming or pronunciation. For me, he’s too fun to hate.

Hammock – Everything and Nothing

The saccharine pathos of Hammock’s new album is cloying and nauseating. Maybe they thought Sleepover Series was too grim and needed to readjust. *Bzzt* Wrong!

Woven In – New City, No Money

Perfect record for all those times you wanna hit the beach and catch some tasty waves but you can’t forget that Ian Curtis is dead.

Surf your sadness

Gucci Mane – Everybody Looking

Guwop’s music is secondary to the Guwop Myth. Doesn’t matter, though, because this album knocks front to back. GOT A MAYBACH I CALL IT PAYBACK.

Krimewatch – Demo tape

Krimewatch mixes GISM with Warzone to produce five hardcore ragers focused on so-called friends and class warfare. Either join the circle pit or get pitted!

Red Death – Deterrence

Two-song heater that requires oven mitts to flip on your turntable. Politically charged songs a la early 90s crossover. Only downside: five minutes ain’t enough.

Sophie Hutchings – Wide Asleep

At times powerful, at times nondescript, Hutchings’ latest album possesses moments of breathtaking neoclassical ambience but fails to engage the audience from start to finish.

Ascend/Descend – Murdock Street

A fast, smart hardcore record featuring members of American Nightmare that I can’t connect with. Is it me? Is it the record? Why gahd why!

Asphalt Graves – The New Primitive

Death metal for hardcore kids made by folks from metal bands with large hardcore-kid fan bases. It’s better than Black Dahlia Murder or Misery Index!

Numenorean – Home

A less shoegazy Deafheaven with excellent instrumentation and songwriting. Despair, Loneliness, and Sadness walk into a bar but the bar is just a sprawling emptiness.

Tides of Sulfur – Extinction Curse

Sludge from South Wales that sounds like it dredged the entire Atlantic Ocean floor to find all of humanity’s most damning atrocities committed against nature.

Tim Hecker – Love Streams

Hecker digitizes, manipulates, reprocesses, and reproduces the feelings of becoming one of the atoms of colour in a cotton candy sky over a world afire.

Zeal & Ardor – Devil is Fine

Mixing slave spirituals, black metal, and the devil is an inexact craft. When it bubbles (“Blood in the River”), it is soul-shaking. Uneven but innovative.

Blut Aus Nord / Ævangelist – Codex Obscura Nomina

Ævangelist’s technical, spatial black metal is better than Blut Aus Nord’s creepy industrial black metal, but this split doesn’t demand more than a couple listens.

Field Mouse – Episodic

The playful, reflective indiemo-pop of Hold Still Life gives way to a jauntier 90s alternative revivalism that doesn’t do justice to Rachel Browne’s plaintive vocals.

Russian Circles – Guidance

Biz. As. Uge. Riffs? Definitely. Atmosphere? Absolutely. Stunning instrumentation? You know it. Oh, some more riffs? Yup. What’s this… even more riffs? Oh hell yeah.

Ian William Craig – Centres

Imagine Tim Hecker making feedbacked love to Sigur Ros and then that lovechild getting really into tape manipulation and noise and also the baby’s Canadian.

Mathias Grassow – Wisdom of Fate

Two hours of creating space from non-space, of filling up every infinitesimal moment with drifting modulation and towering textures. We are one with we. Namaste.

Creative Adult – Fear of Life

Kinda like with Psychic Mess, the couple great songs (“Heal,” “Know How”) are genre-smashing. The other songs are good, of course, but can’t measure up.

Pallbearer – Fear and Fury

Peter Steele never died, he just transformed into Brett Campbell. Original track? Rad. Sabbath cover? Fine (Mob Rules is trash). Type O Negative cover? Ev-uh-ree-theeng.

The KVB - …of Desire

Find the darkest spot in the sweatiest goth club and start moving your sexy body until you burst into the shimmering glitterball you really are.

Minor Victories – Minor Victories

Shocking development: members of bands (Mogwai, Slowdive) that play beautifully despondent and cruelly gorgeous music form new band doing same! If you can believe it.

Dinosaur, Jr. – Give a Glimpse of What Yer Not

After five listens, all I’ve got is that this is significantly better than I Bet On Sky but not in the same ballpark as Farm.